Today's Cloud

I keep thinking there's something... "off" about how Monster moves. I can't pinpoint what it is (I'm truly hopeless at spotting gait asymmetries) but I can't shake the general impression that there's something a little wrong. But at just under two years of age I had him X-rayed for his official joint certification: clear elbows, clear hips. A year later I had him X-rayed from head to tail to look for abnormalities: completely clear. He's been examined by two separate orthopedic specialist veterinarians, at two different clinics: nothing wrong with him. I have to accept that I've really done what I can to find out if there's anything wrong, and that people with years and years of professional experience tell me that he's fine. But. I just... I can't shake it, he moves weird! I'm so incredibly worried that he's in pain somewhere. It's exhausting! But what if I am missing something after all...?

Would you relax?! Oh, and quit walking behind me to stare at my butt as I walk, it's weird!

Perhaps this is what you get when you lose much loved dogs to hip and elbow dysplasia? Perhaps it's because of Monster's mental issues, and I'm just searching for something physical to "fix" for him? I don't know... But I think I have to stop. I have done the best I can with what is at most very vague symptoms (and perhaps most likely nothing at all). I've taken him to the vet's - I've taken him to several vets. If there's truly something wrong I'll have to let it become worse (and therefore diagnosable) rather than hold my breath at every stumble. It's just... It's not so easy to just stop worrying, you know?

Today's Sunshine

Since we haven't been doing much there isn't much to talk about, but I can at least say I'm so happy Monster enjoys nose work so much! I have managed to spend some time with him outside to search for hidden items in the garden, and it's always nice to see how much fun it is for him. He may not have the most efficient search pattern (he does a very cursory sweep of the area at first before settling down to search more carefully - not necessarily a bad idea in case that would ever get him anywhere, but I don't think he ever manages to cut any corners), and he is perhaps more enthusiastic than thorough, but it's absolutely great to see him work through piles of rubble and try to climb up trees to find a little plastic coaster! And he does it even with fairly big distractions around. If my headache wasn't so bad I'd have laughed out loud just from happiness at seeing him work (and he's so enthusiastic! it doesn't matter to him that he's been asked to search through a dozen or more dead ends - he sure it's going to be in the next place we look). He's the most amazing dog I could ever imagine having.

*sniff*   *sniff*   *sniiiiiiiiff*   ... Yeah, we're definitely getting closer!

Today's Cloud

Woke up with a pounding headache this morning, and it's stubbornly stuck with me all day. It laughs at painkillers. Going for walks has been agony, and playing with Monster has been nearly impossible. I also worry that it affects my attention and I'll miss an approaching trigger... Today has been a brightly sunny day, which is a rare thing in dreary November, and add that to it being Sunday it means there has been an unusual number of people out and about. I've cut the walks down to a minimum, most of them less than half an hour long and only one more than an hour. We've had some close calls and I've had to adjust our intended route quite a few times, but fortunately we've managed to keep the distances Monster needs. I do my best on days like these, but they really gnaw on my conscience. I can't explain to Monster why I'm so lazy and boring, and no doubt the pain also affects how I treat him (it's hard to be patient with barking when your head seems to be about to explode, for example).

Come on, let's play!

It also makes today quite a missed opportunity, since the nice weather and the few hours of daylight this time of year means a lot of simultaneous activity all around our house. Excellent chance to train focus and calm around distractions, while in a controlled environment. Sigh...

Today's Sunshine

Today has turned out better than I dared to hope yesterday. Monster is certainly a bit more tense, he's very alert and reacts to any unexpected noise (we're talking bird song levels here, not car alarms), but it's not the disaster I expected. In fact, on a walk today we met a large man on the road, dressed in a huge jacket and carrying some sort of tool - that's a lot of danger for Monster. I probably should have turned right around and gotten out of there, but I kept an eye on Monster and kept walking instead... He was quite interested in the man, and I could tell he was getting closer to the edge where curiosity would turn into something else, but he was holding it together. When we got close to passing the man I gently steered Monster a little to the side, out on the grass shoulder, and encouraged him to keep walking. No doubt I was very rude to the man as I wouldn't take my focus off Monster for even a second to look up and say hi, but I really needed all my attention on Monster right then. And we did it! Monster walked right past without a single warning sign; no stiff legs, no staring (but certainly a lot of looking, which is a different thing), no tension in his face, nothing!

I earned this carrot, people!

Unfortunately, maybe ten seconds after we'd passed each other the man turned around (forgotten something?) and started following us. This is not good, and I so didn't want to end that success with a miserable failure! After a moments hesitation I decided to turn back with Monster too and pass the man again - better to deal with it quickly than let tension build and make it even worse. (As I'm sure you know people walking dogs (on leash) walk slower than people walking alone, because dogs do a lot of quick pauses along the way, so the man would have caught up with us.) So I turned Monster around in a small circle - winding up with him closer to the man on the road than I was - and started walking back, this time praising him nonstop (I usually keep quiet in most tense situations, since even encouragement can tip Monster over) - his body language was flickering between tense and playful, and I tried to encourage the playful side by using voice and words usually used in high energy training. It was a gamble, but it payed off. Monster walked right past the man again! A day of miracles... Of course, then the man turned back around again!

. . .

No, just kidding! He walked off, and we kept walking the same direction for half a minute or so before we turned back around again and continued our walk. You know, my family is into extreme sports, like scary movies and so on, which I just don't get. They think my life is boring. Hah! My adrenal glands get all the exercise they need, believe me...

Well, you named me Monster...

Today's Cloud

Honestly, today's been pretty good! Although, when we came home from grocery shopping some people out walking their dogs had stopped to chat with the neighbors over the fence, and when I loaded Monster out of the car he did tense up at them and wanted to get a closer look (which would have been too much for him). After yesterday that feels so normal it's barely worth noticing, but the key truly lies in being successful in the small things - that's when the big issues can be dealt with. I was tired and carrying a heavy bag, and I should have planned things out better. I saw them as we drove past, I even thought something along the lines of "Aw, man, now I have to deal with that too!"... So I should have taken Monster out separately and gone back for the shopping. Perhaps I could even have used the situation as an opportunity for half a minute's training, if I'd only been active in the situation and thought ahead. Instead of moaning and complaining, reacting instead of planning, and setting Monster up for failure.

Well. This wasn't such a small thing after all...

See? I told you.

Today's Sunshine

Alright, let's give this a go anyway... I've spent a lot of time since the last post just playing with Monster, both to use up some of his nervous energy and to try to make sure he associates me being physical with him with fun and games, rather than with stress and conflict. I don't know how well the second part's working, but I think I got the first one down. He's now conked out on the couch next to me, he's eaten (always a good sign with regards to his stress levels), and he's ignoring sounds from the outside.

Don't type so loud, I'm trying to sleep here!

We haven't been playing any "useful" games at all (i.e. training games), just high energy goofing around, lots of wrestling, jumping around on the furniture, playing tug, and "ambush the thief"*. He's shown some clear signs of being uncomfortable around me, like when he sees me coming and he's doing something he shouldn't (like stealing the new sheets from the bags in the hall, in order to shred them...) he's displayed evasion and pacification. Since I know where his "bad behavior" is coming from, and he can't really help himself (the tension needs to be released somehow!), I've told myself that no matter what he takes it into his head to do I'll let him - or even loot the bags with him - as long as he doesn't get into something that would be harmful to him. Today is not a day for teaching or enforcing rules and good behavior. So what if I have to buy new stuff (or do without): Monster comes first! Priority one is getting back to normal, until then special rules apply. (And yes, I'm aware that there will be some setbacks in basic good behavior around the house once things are back to normal. Worth it.) We've also been for another (fairly short) walk, and I did my best to be fun and engaging for most of it - and he seemed (it's quite dark out, so reading more than basic posture - if that - is difficult) to enjoy himself. We didn't see anyone else - and if we had I would have turned and ran for the hills, no more triggers today! (And the closest hills are an hour's drive away, so that would have been some solid exercise...)

Woohoo, let's wrestle some more!

All in all, I think I've done the best I could to quickly right the ship. Let's see how it plays out over the next few days... In other - but possibly related - news, I got a desperate craving for salt, and wound up eating about a spoonful or two of table salt! Weird... Straight away I started feeling a lot less weak and off kilter. Anyone got a clue what that's about?


(* A game where Monster "steals" something - it can be absolutely anything, including his own toys, the difference is in how he behaves with the thing he has: when he's a "thief" he splays out his legs, looks at me over his shoulder, runs off with sort of straight legs (think Monty Python and silly walks), and blows loudly through his nose. Then I "angrily" stomp-runs after him for a few steps, until he's far enough away to not see as I turn and hide behind some corner. That's the ambush... Monster will come sneaking back - "stolen" item and all - and caaaaaaarefully walk around the corner where (he knows) I'm waiting to jump out at him. And I chase him for a few seconds, and usually set up a new ambush again. He loves this game (if I wasn't so mature and sensible I'd love it too), and it usually ends with him circling around me and hitting me with the thing he "stole", until I'll get down on the floor and wrestle with him for a bit.

You'll never catch me!

It's a lot of fun, and I believe(?) that the over the top threatening behavior from me is good for his confidence around people. I know he's (usually) not scared of me, but he finds it very difficult to be around people who are arguing for example... Who knows. I'm doing the best I can.)

Today's Cloud

Absolutely miserable day today. And it's barely even afternoon. We've had a huge setback today, and I feel awful.

Me too...

I've been feeling "off" from when I first woke up this morning, and I have no clue why. Some days are just like that I guess. And Monster is perhaps reacting to it, and/or me being off kilter has made me handle situations all wrong. We've just come in from a walk where Monster reacted to another dog walking past about 40 meters away! And we're not talking the odd lunge or growl here, we're talking full blown meltdown. I had to (or rather, I chose to) physically wrestle him down to keep him on the ground. That may have been a mistake (it certainly didn't help calm him down!), but he was lunging, air snapping, and jumping so bad I was worried the leash would snap. And as soon as that dog had passed and we'd taken three steps toward home another dog turned the corner... Monster was already wound up, and of course it all went south again.

Can we stay in today?

This is the first time in a long time that I can remember Monster being vibratingly hyped even after the trigger has passed. When we got home he proceeded to pretty much trash the house and run barking from window to window. I think at least 90% of that is from how I handled the situation, not from "just" going over threshold. (Judging from what's different this time.) I handled it badly. As I said I'm not sure what I should have done differently, Monster was really acting up and I felt it was too risky to not try to intervene - but of course, in that state any intervention needs to be amped up to 11. And it will come back with interest. Which it has/is. And I worry about this setback will affect him next walk, tomorrow, next week... And it worries me that even after I've realized I made a mistake I can't come up with a better solution! Is that because this is still a bad day and I'll figure something out when I'm back on top, or am I really no better than this?

And I knew today was a bad day (I had already chosen to not let him off leash today, since that only happens on days when I'm feeling focused and in control, and Monster acts his best), so I was aware I needed to be extra careful. Failed that too.

This is a shitty day!

I doubt there'll be a Sunshine post today... Now I have to go stop Monster from eating the curtains. And not lose my temper with him.